Tag: high school

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Short term happy or long term happy?

Lately I’ve been really confused about which people make me happy. Because a lot of people make me happy, but different kinds of happy. Let me explain. I think the best way to explain this is to call the different types of happy “short term happy” and “long term happy”. I’ll try to stop saying happy now.

As I’m only 18 years old, I’m still trying to figure out myself, what I’m supposed to do with my life and which people I should surround myself with. I’m in high school so the main source of people I know that are my age are in my class. I still haven’t figured out my place amongst all those people in my class, even though I’ve known them all for almost two years now. Everyone seem to have found their people and friend squads but I have not. I wouldn’t say I don’t have any friends in class, because I do have people to talk to but that really depends on how you would define “friend”. I consider them all just classmates to be completely honest. I know some of them better than others, but I feel like I don’t know them well enough to call them friends. I also only see them at school, I never hang out with any of them on weekends or holidays. Considering I’m not 100% myself around them because I don’t feel safe around them, they can’t really be called friends in my opinion, because you shouldn’t feel insecure and not like yourself around your friends.

But here’s the weird thing. Sometimes I do feel really comfortable around them and it feels a bit like they are my friends. This makes me happy, but I think it’s more about being caught up in the moment than feeling genuinely happy. I would like to call this the “short term happy feeling”, catchy name, I know. These moments when I get this feeling, I do feel happy, but only for a short period of time. A few hours tops. It’s that kind of feeling you get when you impress someone you really want to impress or when someone you look up to says they’re proud of you. Maybe this is just that feeling teens get when they do something that gets accepted and praised by the cool kids, who knows. Or maybe it’s just my fragile personality that gets influenced by what a teen is supposed to be like in this high school environment.

I’ve just had a break from school for over a week, which means away from my classmates, away from the school environment and I’ve realised I’ve been away from the “short term happy feeling” too. Does that mean that when I get that feeling I’m just trying to impress people by being a fake version of myself? During this break I’ve visited tons of family, which is the people I don’t have to show off for and don’t have to impress. I’m just existing and communicating with nearly no effort. I’m not thinking about “I should say this because that makes me sound cool” or “No, don’t talk about that you’ll seem like a loser”. I’m quite relaxed. This is why I’d like to call it “long term happy”. Does this mean I am being myself? I’ve been happy for this entire week I’ve been on break, not just for small moments that last a few hours.

I think it all boils down to that we get influenced by whatever people we surround ourselves with and if that’s people we are insecure about and try to impress, we won’t feel genuinely happy. You’ll just feel happy for a short time if you do something that gets accepted, but you will be 100 times more insecure and blame yourself if you feel like you fuck it all up. If you truly are comfortable with someone, you won’t constantly feel scared about saying something wrong. You’ll just feel relaxed and not worry about sounding like a rambling idiot going on and on about different types of happiness.

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Well, here we are again

I tend to only write when I’m feeling really down and need to get my feelings out about something, so it really isn’t a good sign when I start a new post. I guess the good thing about writing something on here where no one knows my name and my identity is that no one feels responsible for making me feel better. I’m just another post among all the other millions of blog posts out there. But maybe, hopefully there’s someone else out there who feels the exact same way, because right now I feel very alone.

My last post was way back in October, oh my god. Let me think about what has happened since then for a quick second:

I see that my second to last post was about me crushing on someone. Well guess what, that is still going on and yes it’s still the same person. The only change is that he’s now got a girlfriend, which I thought would be a good thing, because when the last guy I liked got a girlfriend, I got over him fairly quickly. But I guess the reason for that was that I found this guy that I now am absolutely obsessed with, and I’m struggling quite a bit finding someone else because this one seems perfect to me. Perfect in every single way. The only problem is that this is yet another unrequited crush, which feels like picking on the scab of a wound every time I have to go to school and see him. On a more positive note, I did actually manage to tell someone in my class about my feelings for him. And it was a great accomplishment for me, because lately I’ve been suppressing and denying and hiding away more feelings because I’m ashamed of the things I feel. If I let them all out to someone I don’t know if it would come across as whining over not getting the guy I want, or constantly bringing everyone down by talking about how much of a sad person I am.

Let’s see, what else… I still have not made any friends in high school. (I really wanna write a separate post about what the definition of a friend is)  Of course I have classmates to talk to and they’re really great, but I can’t seem to get a really close connection with anyone. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Is it my fault for not being that much of a talker that other people can’t connect with me? Am I just too much of a loner who is shy and scared of talking to other people? Because I have not been able to make it into any friend squads, yet everyone else has, so I’m starting to think that there’s something wrong with me and that I’m doing something wrong, whatever that is.

But let’s end this on a positive note. My last post was about me being able to get a contact lense in my eye for the first time. And now I’m successfully able to get contacts in both my eyes with no problems and getting them out as well. This has been a huge boost to my self-esteem, because as I explained in the last post, my glasses are the most insecure thing about myself.

I have a feeling I’m gonna be writing a lot more if I have anything else I need to get off my chest, because there has just been so many things recently that I’m having a hard time dealing with.