I tend to only write when I’m feeling really down and need to get my feelings out about something, so it really isn’t a good sign when I start a new post. I guess the good thing about writing something on here where no one knows my name and my identity is that no one feels responsible for making me feel better. I’m just another post among all the other millions of blog posts out there. But maybe, hopefully there’s someone else out there who feels the exact same way, because right now I feel very alone.
My last post was way back in October, oh my god. Let me think about what has happened since then for a quick second:
I see that my second to last post was about me crushing on someone. Well guess what, that is still going on and yes it’s still the same person. The only change is that he’s now got a girlfriend, which I thought would be a good thing, because when the last guy I liked got a girlfriend, I got over him fairly quickly. But I guess the reason for that was that I found this guy that I now am absolutely obsessed with, and I’m struggling quite a bit finding someone else because this one seems perfect to me. Perfect in every single way. The only problem is that this is yet another unrequited crush, which feels like picking on the scab of a wound every time I have to go to school and see him. On a more positive note, I did actually manage to tell someone in my class about my feelings for him. And it was a great accomplishment for me, because lately I’ve been suppressing and denying and hiding away more feelings because I’m ashamed of the things I feel. If I let them all out to someone I don’t know if it would come across as whining over not getting the guy I want, or constantly bringing everyone down by talking about how much of a sad person I am.
Let’s see, what else… I still have not made any friends in high school. (I really wanna write a separate post about what the definition of a friend is) Of course I have classmates to talk to and they’re really great, but I can’t seem to get a really close connection with anyone. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Is it my fault for not being that much of a talker that other people can’t connect with me? Am I just too much of a loner who is shy and scared of talking to other people? Because I have not been able to make it into any friend squads, yet everyone else has, so I’m starting to think that there’s something wrong with me and that I’m doing something wrong, whatever that is.
But let’s end this on a positive note. My last post was about me being able to get a contact lense in my eye for the first time. And now I’m successfully able to get contacts in both my eyes with no problems and getting them out as well. This has been a huge boost to my self-esteem, because as I explained in the last post, my glasses are the most insecure thing about myself.
I have a feeling I’m gonna be writing a lot more if I have anything else I need to get off my chest, because there has just been so many things recently that I’m having a hard time dealing with.
the autumn journal 