I’m having one of those emotional nights and I just felt like writing about something that I’m thinking about quite a lot. Actually quite a lot is an understatement. I think about this 24/7. I’ve had a conversation in my head discussing: “Is this stupid? Am I weird for feeling like this?” and I figured that the best thing to do would be to write it all down instead of random thoughts just flowing around in my head, which some of them doesn’t even make sense. I feel like I’m making a much bigger deal out of this than what it actually is. I feel like this subject has a rumour for being such a happy, positive thing and it’s the most amazing thing that could ever happen to you in your life. Your family and friends are suddenly way more interested in knowing everything about you when you are in this state of mind.
“Can you just stop rambling and get to the point and tell us what you’re talking about.” I can hear you say inside my head. Okay, okay I’m sorry. I’m talking about when you start crushing on someone. There is just something about that one specific person that fascinates you. And while this might be exciting and the best thing ever for some people because they’re not an insecure weirdo talking about their problems to a computer screen (and whoever it might reach), I’m not a fan of your head being all messed up 24/7, your body being all shaky, the feeling of having a heart attack when you see them, and the impossible task of getting this person to leave your damn thoughts.
Sure, it’s nice to feel this way if you are confident and certain that the other person feels the same, but unfortunately for me, that is not the case. In the last year I have had 2 people who I’ve liked a lot. I still like the second person. Let’s say that I have been crushing on them, to use that term. And no, do not say “Awww!” to this. Because it’s not cute, it feels like it’s eating me alive. Because I’m a socially awkward teenage girl who is mostly silent, doesn’t have any best friends or a squad in class and is scared to talk to people most of the time, this is not a fun experience. I already have a hard time getting to know people. And being 10 times more intimidated by a person you desperately want to get to know, is not a good feeling.
I’m still trying to find out what I’m supposed to do in this situation. Because honestly, I have no fucking clue. I desperately want to get to know this person, but I don’t know how, and the last time I tried to tell someone about it I ended up feeling the most anxious I had been in a while because someone suddenly knew, and they reacted in a way that’s similar to what I said earlier.
If you’ve actually read this far about me rambling about my problems, thank you so much.
the autumn journal 