Tag: writing

Posted on

Well, here we are again

I tend to only write when I’m feeling really down and need to get my feelings out about something, so it really isn’t a good sign when I start a new post. I guess the good thing about writing something on here where no one knows my name and my identity is that no one feels responsible for making me feel better. I’m just another post among all the other millions of blog posts out there. But maybe, hopefully there’s someone else out there who feels the exact same way, because right now I feel very alone.

My last post was way back in October, oh my god. Let me think about what has happened since then for a quick second:

I see that my second to last post was about me crushing on someone. Well guess what, that is still going on and yes it’s still the same person. The only change is that he’s now got a girlfriend, which I thought would be a good thing, because when the last guy I liked got a girlfriend, I got over him fairly quickly. But I guess the reason for that was that I found this guy that I now am absolutely obsessed with, and I’m struggling quite a bit finding someone else because this one seems perfect to me. Perfect in every single way. The only problem is that this is yet another unrequited crush, which feels like picking on the scab of a wound every time I have to go to school and see him. On a more positive note, I did actually manage to tell someone in my class about my feelings for him. And it was a great accomplishment for me, because lately I’ve been suppressing and denying and hiding away more feelings because I’m ashamed of the things I feel. If I let them all out to someone I don’t know if it would come across as whining over not getting the guy I want, or constantly bringing everyone down by talking about how much of a sad person I am.

Let’s see, what else… I still have not made any friends in high school. (I really wanna write a separate post about what the definition of a friend is)  Of course I have classmates to talk to and they’re really great, but I can’t seem to get a really close connection with anyone. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Is it my fault for not being that much of a talker that other people can’t connect with me? Am I just too much of a loner who is shy and scared of talking to other people? Because I have not been able to make it into any friend squads, yet everyone else has, so I’m starting to think that there’s something wrong with me and that I’m doing something wrong, whatever that is.

But let’s end this on a positive note. My last post was about me being able to get a contact lense in my eye for the first time. And now I’m successfully able to get contacts in both my eyes with no problems and getting them out as well. This has been a huge boost to my self-esteem, because as I explained in the last post, my glasses are the most insecure thing about myself.

I have a feeling I’m gonna be writing a lot more if I have anything else I need to get off my chest, because there has just been so many things recently that I’m having a hard time dealing with.

Posted on

I don’t know what to do.

I’m having one of those emotional nights and I just felt like writing about something that I’m thinking about quite a lot. Actually quite a lot is an understatement. I think about this 24/7. I’ve had a conversation in my head discussing: “Is this stupid? Am I weird for feeling like this?” and I figured that the best thing to do would be to write it all down instead of random thoughts just flowing around in my head, which some of them doesn’t even make sense. I feel like I’m making a much bigger deal out of this than what it actually is. I feel like this subject has a rumour for being such a happy, positive thing and it’s the most amazing thing that could ever happen to you in your life. Your family and friends are suddenly way more interested in knowing everything about you when you are in this state of mind.

“Can you just stop rambling and get to the point and tell us what you’re talking about.” I can hear you say inside my head. Okay, okay I’m sorry. I’m talking about when you start crushing on someone. There is just something about that one specific person that fascinates you. And while this might be exciting and the best thing ever for some people because they’re not an insecure weirdo talking about their problems to a computer screen (and whoever it might reach), I’m not a fan of your head being all messed up 24/7, your body being all shaky, the feeling of having a heart attack when you see them, and the impossible task of getting this person to leave your damn thoughts.

Sure, it’s nice to feel this way if you are confident and certain that the other person feels the same, but unfortunately for me, that is not the case. In the last year I have had 2 people who I’ve liked a lot. I still like the second person. Let’s say that I have been crushing on them, to use that term. And no, do not say “Awww!” to this. Because it’s not cute, it feels like it’s eating me alive. Because I’m a socially awkward teenage girl who is mostly silent, doesn’t have any best friends or a squad in class and is scared to talk to people most of the time, this is not a fun experience. I already have a hard time getting to know people. And being 10 times more intimidated by a person you desperately want to get to know, is not a good feeling.

I’m still trying to find out what I’m supposed to do in this situation. Because honestly, I have no fucking clue. I desperately want to get to know this person, but I don’t know how, and the last time I tried to tell someone about it I ended up feeling the most anxious I had been in a while because someone suddenly knew, and they reacted in a way that’s similar to what I said earlier.

If you’ve actually read this far about me rambling about my problems, thank you so much.

Posted on

Hello, fellow insecure humans

Hello there. The first post on a blog is usually where you say your name, present yourself and introduce the readers to what they might read in the future. The thing about this blog is that I am not gonna tell you about my name, I’m not gonna tell you about my whereabouts, simply because I want a place where I can write whatever I want and just escape from reality and be neutral to everything and everyone.

The only thing you need to know about me is that I’m a 17 year old girl who just tries to figure out what life is all about. I love to write, and it’s one of those things that helps me get through all the things I find difficult. So on this blog I’m gonna write about everything from my deepest insecurities to happy moments that makes life worth living both for myself and in hopes of finding people who understand.